The Nature of Relationships

I mentioned in a recent post that I had done some thinking about the nature of human relationships. Unfortunately, a couple of comments made to me yesterday have left me feeling very upset and hurt. I really felt like writing this blog entry now though; and I just hope that my current mood doesn't affect the flavour of the article that I intended to write.

Having now watched just over twenty Bollywood movies (most of them romances) it has been very interesting to contrast how another culture views the whole nature of relationships. For me, having a whole new perspective on a matter strongly aids the learning process. This is because being able to compare and contrast; really fires up my cognitive processes.

Firstly, love relationships - Supposedly the pinnacle in terms of the nature and strength of feeling involved. One of the themes that had shone through in most of the films I had watched was the nature of compromise in such relationships. Of course by definition such relationships contain an element of this. The 'rules' state that an individual is only allowed one love relationship at any given time, which is in total contrast to any other form that I am aware of. Furthermore, for such relationships to succeed a degree of compromise is required from both partners for the sake of the relationship's continued success. The key, I presume, is that the amount and nature of such compromises should be kept to a minimum.

Long before I met my partner, I had formed my philosophy about trying to make life about making as many positive events happen as I reasonably could. Throughout my upbringing I noted that most of the adults around me spent virtually all their time trying to prevent negative events from happening. Of course this is a very wise attitude to have, especially for parents! However, it occurred to me at a very early age that it didn't matter how many negative occurrences were prevented in life; nothing positive would then automatically happen as a result.

Every time I watched a Bollywood romance I was simply dumbfounded by the amount of compromise that the leading characters had to make, especially the female ones. This touched a very raw nerve within me. This was because in my relationship at present, both my partner and I are individually making numerous sizeable compromises. However, the amount and nature of hers are far greater than my own.

What grates with me is the fact that throughout our time together, I have tried to impart a little of my philosophy of life to her, namely that it seems to me that there are far fewer things that 'must' be done in life than most people think. This was never on an 'I am right, you are wrong' basis; but rather simply to let her know that there are other ways of thinking and that she might like to consider it a little further.

As a side note, that is the prevailing attitude throughout this entire post. Most arguments I have ever witnessed have come about because people have reached an 'I am right, you are wrong' standpoint. This seems to me to be badly philosophically flawed, because once you say/imply that someone is wrong, you are usually implying that you are correct. Given that the world is not so black and white, this seems silly to me.

Unfortunately due to current circumstances and the distance between us, I have singularly failed to keep getting this point across as clearly as I would have liked. Even worse is that she seems to feel that my exasperation at not being able to do anything about this is because I am suffering from 'a typical male ego shot'. Indeed, most of my attempts to purvey my point from the previous two paragraphs has usually run into one brick wall or another. As a result of all this, I feel that my partner is carrying an emotional burden far greater than she needs to.

As an individual I have also been extremely lucky to be a part of four platonic friendships. My trusty 'Concise Oxford English Dictionary' defines the word platonic as 'intimate and affectionate, but not sexual'. It comes as no surprise that this is the first time I have had chance to really 'discuss' this matter. Such a topic of conversation is not easy to bring up with the lads!
Of the four friendships (two each with females and males, hence why I felt I should give the dictionary definition!), all of them are very precious to me. I personally believe that relationships on all levels are special. This is because they all involve two people who have been lucky enough to find each other.

Some people may find that statement demeaning towards love relationships, because that is supposed to be most special of all. However, I think that it puts love relationships on a higher pedestal, because an individual has to be 'luckier' to find someone with who they can have that level of relationship. Of course, the trouble for a lot of people is wanting to find such a person. The only problem is that once you have found one, you have to make sure that you don't find another!

For me, knowing these four people has been an enormous privilege in itself. The fact that I am able to call each of them friends is simply wonderful. These are people who make me feel like I have improved as a human being each and every time I meet them. They are people who seem to understand me better than I understand myself. What is also wonderful is that each of these relationships involves so little compromise (that I am aware of, but I will quite happily be shown to be incorrect!). So much is gained and so little is given.

It may sound like I have a much more positive view of platonic friendships than I do of my love relationship. However, I am even luckier than most in that respect. Not only is my partner the most beautiful woman I have ever met on the inside and outside; she is also my best friend. Plus if a love relationship is the pinnacle, then it makes sense that to get more; you have to give more.

There is more I wanted to say here on the nature of platonic relationships and some problems that I have surrounding mine. However, I haven't been able to put together a few paragraphs that don't sound like a rant(!) and so will hold back for now at least.

I guess the sixty-four thousand dollar question is whether I consider that the 'more' I am 'getting' from my love relationship is worth the compromises that my partner and I are making, both individually and collectively. Here, unfortunately is the one point where the events of last night have had an effect on what I originally intended to write. I have no intention of going into what happened, but the effect was that last night I ran into yet another brick wall and this hurt far worse than any pain, physical or emotional, that I have ever experienced.

As a result, instead of my answer being a relatively straightforward 'yes it is' it is currently closer to 'I'm really not sure'. As I said earlier, the reasons for that change will not be mentioned here. However, at the moment I consider myself far too upset to make any kind of objective conclusion and so will defer my final verdict for now.

I have also been lucky to form a great number of friendships all over the world. The term friendship can mean many different things to different people. Recently I was asked to give my own and the following was my answer:

Friendship is when two people accept each other's pasts, understand their presents and appreciate their intended futures.

It is the acknowledgement of each other's qualities and shortcomings and the desire to enjoy the former and help with the latter in each other.

It is the wish to help another person purely because you like them. Friendship is a willingness to help when others have problems and be helped in return.

Ultimately it is the desire to make time with another person as enjoyable as possible.

There are presumably many branches that stem from the points given above; that I have missed. If I think of any, then I will endeavour to address them at a later date. For now, I have no particular conclusions to draw, or indeed any take home message. I just thought it would be interesting to put my thoughts down on a page as a foundation to be able to modify them over the passage of time.